Today is a good day to die.
That was my first thought this morning when I was pushed into the glass doors at the subway, the exact same thing that happened every morning when people tried to fit more people than possible into the small tube carriage.
It was the same though I had later that day, when I was enjoying my homemade salad at lunch, pretending to be interested in all the gossip about who was hooking up with who at work. "Hey, did you hear..?", "Yeah, but you're never gonna believe this..". They must live really sad lives, if everybody else's lives were so interesting that it could occupy a one hour conversation.
I still had that thought wandering through my head as I was heading for the subway after work. I looked up at the sky and squinted my eyes as the sun peeked out from behind the coulds. I couldn't describe the feeling, nobody would understand my thought. But it was a feeling that started deep down in my gut, working its way out into my fingertips and toes.
I looked around at the people who were running around, always in a hurry. A mom was hurrying home to make dinner for her kids and loving husband. The husband was probably "working later", hurrying off to his mistress before hurrying home just in time for the lovely meal his wife has put together.
I made my way to the very edge of the platform, receiving curious looks from my fellow subway-riders as I stepped closer and closer to the edge. I could hear the train approaching from a distance and I smiled as I was balancing on my heels. Behind me I could hear a woman scream as she realized what I was planning to do. I turned around and faced her, still smiling, and she was white as a ghost as she was screaming at her husband to "do something, don't let him do this".
I ignored their frightened stares and incapability of acting in a rare situation, and turned my head to the left where I could see the train pulling into the station. I swayed a little in my unsteady position and looked back once more at the security guard rushing towards to save me and be the hero of the day. I felt touched by his attemps on caring for my life and took one step back just as the train swooshed by, blowing my hair out of my face.
I smiled at the guard who was leaning forward with his hands on his thighs, trying to catch his breath.
"Are you out of your mind?!" he yelled at me. People were screaming and crying, still shocked after my little show. I calmly looked at the chaos I had made.
"Not today", I said to the people who could hear me as I walked aboard the train. "Today wasn't a good day to die."
I sat down at an empty seat and plugged my earphones in. No, I thought to myself. I was wrong. Today was not a good day to die. But maybe some other day. I leaned back, relaxed by the thought that someday will be a good day to die. But just not today.